I've been on Facebook for quite awhile now. Since about 2009 I've learned nearly everything about it; how it's used, what people like doing, what people like asking you to do (If I get one more fucking FarmVille invitation request, I swear...) and what people like posting, both pictures and status updates alike. I'm here to talk about said images.
It's mainly the profile pictures. People use pictures of themselves: in front of the bathroom mirror, in group shots or maybe pretending to do some good ol' underage alcoholic beverage guzzling at their dad's Halloween party, with more said images regarding pictures like these taken afterwards which are then haphazardly uploaded to the site the next day by some dickhead friend.
However, most people, if not all of them at some point, choose to plaster things other than their face on the site. I've seen everything. No really, EVERYTHING. This article is dedicated to weird crap that I'd rather not see on your profile should I happen to be friended with you.
1. Your baby/kids
These kinds of pictures are usually from new parents who like to show off their new offspring to grandparents who have virtually no other pictures in their computer despite the fact of it being four years old and that they've never mastered the right click>Save Image As method. Seriously, why do people use these? I know it must be a good feeling to slap your accomplishments on everything, but I doubt anyone else besides close friends or family will give two shits of what your baby looks like. Why? Because all. Babies. Look. Exactly. The. Same. I swear to God. You've seen one little person, you've seen them all. And every time I look at their profile I can't help but imagine that somehow a small human with underdeveloped motor skills somehow murdered the previous account's owner, replaced their profile picture with theirs, and took over.
You monster.......
2. Your truck/car/vehicle
Oh cool, you're the owner of a motor vehicle. That's great and all, but almost everyone else in the country owns a car, so you're nothing special. Most of the time it's not even their car either, just a picture they grabbed off of Google Images that they probably occasionally jerk off to because of how awesome they think it is. That's another thing I want to get through, it's a motherfucking car. A vehicle used for transportation. A hunk of metal fitted with an internal combustion engine. There is nothing cosmically spectacular about them, why do so many people rave over them, not paying attention to the fact that people have arguments over whether Ford, Dodge Chevrolet can pull more weight/drive harder/get better mileage. Who gives a shit? It's a fucking truck. Rednecks like to drive around in them and shoot lawn ornaments out of the passenger window and haul semi-heavy crap with them. There is nothing that cool or sophisticated about your truck. Stop bragging about it.
Unless they come bundled with one of these.
3. The Ducklips
I don't even think I have to explain anything on this one...
Oh god, the ducklips....
4. Heavily-shopped portraits
These are usually made by anti-social teenage scene girls who try to look "artistic." This fad is also usually coupled up with the ducklips more often than not, and often with added fake tears and stupid quotes with the words "pain" or "love" in them. Oooh, so you've mastered the contrast settings tool, I see?
I am a tortured artist and all I want is to be loved :(((((( ~ <3
5. Your pets
You are not a dog. Get off of the internet and fetch me the paper.
They say that your pets can reflect your personality.
Well, I feel like those are the only ones I can think of right now that I can go into real detail on. I'm tired anyway, so I'll just stop there.
Lol no one actually reads your blog but ... i agree 100% with your blog about the profile pictures !
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for finally saying it...especially the truth about the damn rusty piece of shit that is the automobile. its a damn car...get over it redneck faggots.
ReplyDelete